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Separation is a difficult and overwhelming time for everyone. You have just ended a relationship that you went into thinking would last forever. You may have created a life together. Established a home. You had the dream. The package. Now that life has been turned upside down. An amicable separation is what is required to support children and allow them to feel loved and adapt easily during the re-structuring of the family unit.
You have found yourself Separated on the road to Divorce.
Now I know what you are thinking because you have seen it on the cover of every tabloid, gossip magazine, Facebook click bait feed and Instagram post since the written word went to print.
Divorce is messy.
Separation means we are going to court. It means hundreds of thousands of dollars being spent on fighting over who gets the house… and the kids. What about the kids?
What if I told you that divorce doesn’t need to be acrimonious? What if I told you, you don’t need to spend nights awake staring at the ceiling wondering how you will navigate a bitter, and contested separation.
What if I told you that your children could survive a separation and still be adjusted, well loved and emotionally secure?
There are a number of benefits to an amicable separation. The most important benefit is to that of the children involved in a separation.
As a Divorce Lawyer it is well known that children who are exposed to high conflict between their parents are most at risk of experiencing issues later on in life. Children exposed to such conflict are likely to develop a negative sense of self worth, and their sense of safety and security are often detrimentally impacted.
Children exposed to high conflict between their parents often experience the following complications:
- Academic/ behavioural issues
- Social/ development issues
- Adjustment disorders
- Anxiety/ depression and other mental health concerns
- Increased risk of homelessness.
Shockingly, the Australian Bureau of Statistics reported that in 2011 young people accounted for one quarter of the homeless population. In 2016 youth homelessness had increased by 26% since the 2016 Census.
So, what is high conflict and what does it look like
As parents we know that the first five years of a child’s life is crucial to their development. This is the period of time when a child’s brain is rapidly developing. During these early years, Children are learning their sense of identity and forming attachments to the people around them. These learnings in turn, form the foundations of how children behave in the future and impacts on how they conduct themselves in their relationships later on in life.
During a separation high Conflict after separation is characterised by negative talk, invasive questioning of a child/ children, demeaning, belittling and belligerent communication about your former spouse in front of or directed at the children. Using the children as a messenger service to convey messages to your former spouse. Antagonistic or passive aggressive behaviour towards your former spouse in front of the children.
Children are like sponges, it is incredible the way children are able to recall words, events, places and people who have pierced the veil of their sense of safety and feeling safe. It is easy to take this for granted when you are in the middle of a separation and feeling overwhelmed.
Divorcing amicably and holistically:
There is no doubt that divorce is a testing time. However, maintaining respectful, honest and open lines of communication is paramount during the early stages of separation.
It is important to avoid the desire to become combative and aggressive. This behaviour will only encourage high conflict and will make it more difficult to engage in forthright and honest communication and You likely to find yourself navigating the court system sooner rather than later.
It is extremely likely that your former spouse is feeling just as scared, confused and overwhelmed as you are. A united front and intervention from the right professionals are likely to steer your separation onto an amicable pathway.
Practitioners who can help during this time include, Naturopaths to encourage sleep. The best decisions are always made on a full night’s sleep and a diet that is well balanced.
A divorce coach is a useful expert to engage to help you talk through your concerns and feelings in a supportive non combative way and to support you through the transition of your divorce.
A Mediator is also a useful professional to engage when you and your former spouse are ready to talk about stepping into the future and deciding what the future will look like for your family and ending the financial relationship between you.
There are a number of other professionals that are useful to engage in this process, from financial professionals, child Psychologists, child inclusive practitioners. The support available is overwhelming.
Your family is unique. Your separation is unique. Finding the right professionals to assist you through this transition is crucial.
What do the children need during separation?
During a separation, it is vital that children feel secure, and loved. Love is the basis of any strong attachment between a child and their parents. Showing love does not mean buying children expensive equipment or going away on trips. It means connecting with your children and seeing your separation from their perspective.
Children benefit greatly when their parents demonstrate unity even when separated. An amicable separation is what is required to support children and allow them to feel loved and adapt easily during the re structure of the family unit.
Are you interested in learning more about the benefits of amicable separation? Please contact us here or give us a call on (02) 8631 8593.[/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css_animation=”” row_type=”row” use_row_as_full_screen_section=”no” type=”full_width” angled_section=”no” text_align=”left” background_image_as_pattern=”without_pattern”][vc_column width=”1/2″][qode_elements_holder number_of_columns=”one_column”][qode_elements_holder_item advanced_animations=”no”][vc_single_image image=”308″ style=”vc_box_circle_2″ qode_css_animation=””][/qode_elements_holder_item][qode_elements_holder_item advanced_animations=”no”][vc_column_text]
By Cassandra Kalpaxis
Director and Principal Collaborative Family Lawyer at Kalpaxis Legal
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